there's paper in my vomit.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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