my mouth tastes like poor choices
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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