so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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