Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
