I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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