I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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