Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
