happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
