hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
