God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
