Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
