I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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