Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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