Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
