I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
