goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
