since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
