I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize