New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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