And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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