my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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