forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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