Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
