Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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