The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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