just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
