Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
