Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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