i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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