WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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