i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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