I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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