my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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