Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
