I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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