My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
