i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
zippers are such a cool invention
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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