The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
