I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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