GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
