I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
