make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
