you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
