There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
