The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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