somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
