this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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