im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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