Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
