How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
