i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize