DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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