Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
