Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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