How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
