fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My liver just broke up with me...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
