I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
