I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Watching her eat just hurts me
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
