I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize