i just sent this text using only my big toe
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
