i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
