Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
