It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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