I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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