If i come over, it means nothing
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Every concussion has its silver lining
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
