After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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