Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
