What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Green mimosas i think yes
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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