You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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