I wanna passion pit in your ass
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I need moral support for this bender
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
