The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
